My life in a nutshell

Many of you have been harboring me about updating updating my blog and adding pictures but here's the thing my life is not that interesting. Honestly nothing exciting is going on right now, if fact it's enough that I am making it from one bad day to the other right now. I'm not trying to be negative it's just that right now things aren't going well. For example: I recently found out that my ex is now engaged to another and I haven't been on a date in 4 months, I got a D on one of my art history papers which was a first for me in all my schooling and the real highlight this week is I got sick. But even on the good weeks when things are normal my life is consumed by working fulltime and going to school. It seems like I don't have time for anything exciting to report, however there are those "little things" in my life that can sometimes be overlooked in the overhanging clouds of gloom that seem to pull me down. Like the new pez dispenser of tinkerbell that my mom bought me for christmas that I saw it at the house so she gave it to me early, this little toy makes me smile and remember the good times. Or there's the flowers that my dad bought me after he heard about Aaron's proposal to let me know that I was still beautiful and loved by someone. Then there's the sunset that I saw after my dad gave me a blessing because I was sick. This was the greatest of all! I know God is with me and is aware of my pain, however it's hard to feel these days so it's in these "little things" that I can find Him and gain the hope that I am lacking. So forgive me friends for not having any up dates, fun stories or exciting pictures but betters days are coming. . . or at least they better be.

Get mark . . . get set . . . go!

Two ladies that I work with decided to race in a trianthlon next year and somehow they convinced me to do it too. I don't know what I'm thinking I haven't been swimming for at least 8 years and I haven't been a a bike for longer than that and here I am getting ready for a race that has me swimming for about 700 meters, then biking for 6 miles, and running for 3 miles after that. No kidding I am going to die! . . . but I'm excited. Heaven know that I need to lose the weight so the training alone will be worth the effort. And trust me it's only been a week into the training and already my body is screaming at me, so we'll see if I can make it. I really want to do this though, it's nice to have a goal for myself to focus on. It would be an amazing accomplishment to add to my already amazing life. . . and it's something that Aaron never would have expect me to do or think that I could do. Don't get me wrong this is my goal and it's not about him but it's nice to think that I am not the person he judged me to be. He judged me as an inactive, nonadventurous type and that hindered me from doing new things or growing as a person. So it's nice to be free to try new things and expain my horizon . . . even if it kills me, but then don't they say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Perhaps they didn't train and run in a trianthlon. :) All the same here we go, wish me luck.

One Word

You only get one word per answer... no explanations, either. Enjoy!
1. Where is your cell phone? .................... purse
2. Your significant other?....................... lost
3. Your hair?.................................... brown
4. Your mother? ................................. camping
5. Your father?.................................. working
6. Your favorite thing?.......................... singing
7. Your dream last night?........................ forgetable
8. Your favorite drink........................... Water
9. Your dream/goal?.............................. Europe
10. The room you're in?.......................... cubical
11. Your ex?..................................... jerk
12. Your fear?................................... unloved
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years........... married
14. Where were you last night?................... home
15. What you're not?............................. elephant
16. Muffins...................................... random
17. One of your wish list items?................. man
18. Where you grew up?........................... T-ville
19. What are you wearing?........................ jeans
20. Your TV?..................................... flat
21. Your pets?................................... absent
22. Your computer? .............................. black
23. Your life?................................... rollercoaster
24. Your mood?................................... passive
25. Missing someone?............................. yes
26. Your car?.................................... red
27. Something you're not wearing?................ earings
28. Favorite Store?.............................. FYE
29. Your summer?................................. short
30. Your favorite color?......................... green
31. Last time you laughed........................ now
32. Last time you cried?......................... lastnight

Memory

(I took this from Annie's blog and thought I'd try it out.)

1. As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll assume you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don't want to play on your blog, or if you don't have a blog, I'll leave my memory of you in my comments.

I am willing to give up this fight

There are many battles that I am going to be more than willing to fight in this new page of my life, changes that I am going to fight for. However there is one battle that I am willing to give up and that's the battle for the love that I have for Aaron. I have fought for this love for years and have been burned time and time again but this too must stop. There is a song by Sarah McLachlan that expresses how I feel about this battle that I'll share here so you understand:

If I had the chance, loveI would not hesitate.
To tell you all the things I never said before. Don't tell me it's too late
[Chorus:]Cause I've relied on my illusions to keep me warm at night.
But I denied in my capacity to love. I am willing, to give up this fight.
I've been up all night drinking. To drown my sorrow down.
Nothing seems to help me since you went away. I'm so tired of this town.
Where every tongue is wagging. When every back is turned.
Their telling secrets that should never be revealed.
There's nothing to be gained from this, but disaster..
Here's a good one.. did you hear about my friend.
He's embarrassed to be seen now because we all know his sins.
If I had the chance love you know, I would not hesitate.
To tell you all the things I never said before. Don't tell me it's too late
[Chorus:]Cause I've relied on my illusions to keep me warm at night.
But I denied in my capacity to love. I am willing, to give up this fight.
Oh, I am willing to give up this fight..

This song says it all, but the the truth is, the dirty little secret have you is that the illusion of our love is not going to cut it anymore and it's time for me to stop trying to fight this winless fight and move on. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but that's what this blog is for. It's my cheap theropy, and even if no one reads it, it feels good to write it down and get it out. So thanks for listening and the check is in the mail.

New Beginnings

I've decided it's time to turn a new page in my life. It's time to turn my back on all the pain, struggles and hardships of the past and look forward to the bright future that is mine for the taking. I am young and free to live my dreams and become anything and everything that I want to be. Nothing is holding me back but myself and that stops today. And so as a living proof to this change and adventure that I am striving for I am making this blog page so that some day I can look back and see how far I have come. So here we go . . .